I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
