He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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