I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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