Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i believe in u and ur pee
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
