Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
