took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
