I just cut my nipple shaving
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
