How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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