why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
