Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
