You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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