he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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