i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
