I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They have beer where we have blood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
