She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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