You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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