I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
