Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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