just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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