I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need moral support for this bender
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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