bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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