im six kinds of drunk right now
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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