He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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