Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
