I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
