Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
