Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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