somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
