you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
