I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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