I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
