i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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