I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
