why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
