i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
