Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
