my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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