Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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