He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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