i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
