I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
