last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
