alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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