I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
