shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We are all done wearing pants today
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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