Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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