Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
