Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
