when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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