is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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