i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
