Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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