My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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