youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
be right there i have to get my cape
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
