Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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